قطع للقراءة لكل المستويات
مستوى مبتدئ
Mr Jones had a few days', holiday, so he said "I'm going to go to the mountains by train." He put on his best clothes, took a small bag, went to the station and got into the train. He had a beautiful hat, and he often put his head out of the window during the trip and looked at the mountains. But the wind pulled his hat off.
Mr Jones quickly took his old bag and threw that out of the window too.
The other people in the carriage laughed. "Is your bag going to bring your beautiful hat back?" they asked.
"No," Mr Jones answered, "but there's no name and no address in my hat, and there's a name and an address on the bag. Someone's going to find both of them near each other, and he's going to send me the bag and the hat."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------White bridge was a small village, and old people often came and lived there. Some of them had a lot of old furniture, and they often did not want some of it, because they were in a smaller house now, so every Saturday morning they put it out, and other people came and looked at it, and sometimes they took it away because they wanted it.
Every Saturday, Mr and Mrs Morton put a very ugly old bear's head out at the side of their gate, but nobody wanted it. Then last Saturday, they wrote, "I'm very lonely here. Please take me," on a piece of paper and put it near the bear's head.
They went to the town, and came home in the evening. There were now two bears' heads in front of their house, and there was another piece of paper. It said, "I was lonely too
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Two old gentlemen lived in a quiet street in Paris. They were friends and neighbours, and they often went for walks together in the streets when the weather was fine. Last Saturday they went for a walk at the side of the river. The sun shone, the weather was warm, there were a lot of flowers everywhere, and there were boats on the water.
The two men walked happily for half an hour, and then one of them said to the other, "That's a very beautiful girl."
"Where can you see a beautiful girl?" said the other. "I can't see one anywhere. I can see two young men. They're walking towards us."
"The girl's walking behind us," said the first man quietly.
"But how can you see her then?" asked his friend.
The first man smiled and said, "I can't see her, but I can see the young men's eyes
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Fred was a young soldier in a big camp. During the week they always worked very hard, but it was Saturday, and all the young soldiers were free, so their officer said to them, "You can go into the town this afternoon, but first I'm going to inspect you."
Fred came to the officer, and the officer said to him, "Your hair's very long. Go to the barber and then come back to me again."
Fred ran to the barber's shop, but it was closed because it was Saturday. Fred was very sad for a few minutes, but then he smiled and went back to the officer.
"Are my boots clean now, sir?" he asked.
The officer did not look at Fred's hair. He looked at his boots and said, "Yes, they're much better now. You can go out. And next week, first clean your boots, and then
come to me
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Mrs Harris lives in a small village. Her husband is dead, but she has one son. He is twenty-one, and his name is Geoff. He worked in the shop in the village and lived with his mother, but then he got work in a town and went and lived there. Its name was Greensea. It was quite a long way from his mother's village, and she was not happy about this, but Geoff said, "There isn't any good work for me in the country, Mother, and I can get a lot of money in Greensea and send you some every week."
Mrs Harris was very angry last Sunday. She got in a train and went to her son's house in Greensea. Then she said to him, "Geoff, why do you never phone me?"
Geoff laughed. "But, Mother," he said, "you haven't got a phone."
"No," she answered, "I haven't, but you've got one
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Mr Robinson never went to a dentist, because he was afraid, but then his teeth began hurting a lot, and he went to a dentist. The dentist did a lot of work in his mouth for a long time. On the last day Mr Robinson said to him, "How much is all this work going to cost?" The dentist said, "Twenty-live pounds," but he did not ask him for the money.
After a month Mr Robinson phoned the dentist and said. "You haven't asked me for anv money for your work last month."
"Oh," the dentist answered, "I never ask a gentleman for money."
"Then how do you live?" Mr Robinson asked.
"Most gentlemen pay me quickly," the dentist said, "but some don't. I wait for my money for two months, and then I say, "That man isn't a gentleman," and then I ask him for my money
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Bill likes football very much, and he often goes to matches in our town on Saturdays. He does not go to the best seats, because they are very expensive and he does not see his friends there.
There was a big football match in our town last Saturday. First it was very cold and cloudy, but then the sun shone, and it was very hot.
There were a lot of people on benches round Bill at the match. Bill was on one bench, and there was a fat man on a bench behind him. First the fat man was cold, but then he was very hot. He took his coat off and put it in front of him, but it fell on Bill's head. Bill was not angry. He took the coat off his head, looked at it and then smiled and said, "Thank you-but where are the trousers
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Peter was eight and a half years old, and he went to a school near his house. He always went there and came home on foot, and he usually got back on time, but last Friday he came home from school late. His mother was in the kitchen, and she saw him and said to him, "Why are you late today, Peter?"
"My teacher was angry and sent me to the headmaster after our lessons," Peter answered.
"To the headmaster?" his mother said. "Why did she send you to him?"
"Because she asked a question in the class," Peter said, "and none of the children gave her the answer except me."
His mother was angry. "But why did the teacher send you to the headmaster then? Why didn't she send all the other stupid children?" she asked Peter.
"Because her question was, 'Who put glue on my chair?'" Peter said
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George was sixty years old, and he was ill. He was always tired, and his face was always very red. He did not like doctors, but last month his wife said to him, "Don't be stupid, George. Go and see Doctor Brown."
George said, 'No,' but last week he was worse, and he went to the doctor.
Dr Brown examined him and then said to him, "You drink too much. Stop drinking whisky, and drink milk."
George liked whisky, and he did not like milk. "I'm not a baby!" he always said to his wife.
Now he looked at Dr Brown and said, "But drinking milk is dangerous, doctor."
The doctor laughed and said, "Dangerous? How can drinking milk be dangerous?"
"Well, doctor," George said, "it killed one of my best friends last year."
The doctor laughed again and said, "How did it do that?" "The cow fell on him," George said
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Mr White has a small shop in the middle of our town, and he sells pictures in it. They are not expensive ones, but some of them are quite pretty. Last Saturday a woman came into the shop and looked at a lot of pictures. Then she took Mr White to one of them and said, "How much do you want for this one?" It was a picture of horses in a field.
Mr White looked at it for a few seconds and then went and brought his book. He opened it, looked at the first page and then said, "I want twenty pounds for that one."
The woman shut her eyes for a few seconds and then said, "I can give you two pounds for it."
"Two pounds?" Mr White said angrily. "Two pounds? But the canvas cost more than two pounds."
"Oh, but it was clean then," the woman said
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Miss Green had a heavy cupboard in her bedroom. Last Sunday she said, "I don't like this cupboard in my bedroom. The bedroom's very small, and the cupboard's very big. I'm going to put it in a bigger room." But the cupboard was very heavy, and Miss Green was not very strong. She went to two of her neighbours and said, "Please carry the cupboard for me." Then she went and made some tea for them.
The two men carried the heavy cupboard out of Miss Green's bedroom and came to the stairs. One of them was in front of the cupboard, and the other was behind it. They pushed and pulled for a long time, and then they put the cupboard down.
"Well," one of the men said to the other, "we're never going to get this cupboard upstairs."
"Upstairs?" the other man said. "Aren't we taking it downstairs?"
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An old lady went out shopping last Tuesday. She came to a bank and saw a car near the door. A man got out of it and went into the bank. She looked into the car. The keys were in the lock.
The old lady took the keys and followed the man into the bank.
The man took a gun out of his pocket and said to the clerk, "Give me all the money!"
But the old lady did not see this. She went to the man, put the keys in his hand and said, "Young man, you're stupid! Never leave your keys in your car: someone's going to steal it!"
The man looked at the old woman for a few seconds. Then he looked at the clerk-and then he took his keys, ran out of the bank, got into his car and drove away quickly, without any money
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Mr Edwards likes singing very much, but he is very bad at it. He went to dinner at a friend's house last week, and there were some other guests there too.
They had a good dinner, and then the hostess went to Mr Edwards and said "You can sing, Peter. Please sing us something."
Mr Edwards was very happy, and he began to sing an old song about the mountains of Spain. The guests listened to it for a few minutes and then one of the guests began to cry. She was a small woman and had dark hair and very dark eyes.
One of the other guests went to her, put his hand on her back and said, "Please don't cry. Are you Spanish?"
Another young man asked, "Do you love Spain?"
"No," she answered, "I'm not Spanish, and I've never been to Spain. I'm a singer, and I love music!"
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Hans said to his friend Kurt, "I'm going to take my car and drive to London."
Kurt said, "Driving to London is very difficult. You aren't going to find your hotel."
But Hans was not afraid. He drove to Calais, put his car on the ship, took it off at Dover, and drove to London.
He stopped near the city and looked at his map. Then he drove into London, but he did not find his hotel. He drove round and round for an hour, and then he stopped and got out of his car. A taxi came, and Hans stopped it. "Take me to the Brussels Hotel," he said. But he did not get into the taxi: he got back into his car. The taxi man laughed, but then he drove to the Brussels Hotel, and Hans followed hint in his car.
They reached the hotel in two minutes
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George is a young man. He does not have a wife, but he has a very big dog-and he has a very small car too. He likes playing tennis. Last Monday he played tennis for an hour at his club, and then he ran out and jumped into a car. His dog came after him, but it did not jump into the same car; it jumped into the next one.
"Come here, silly dog!" George shouted at it but the dog stayed in the other car.
George put his key into the lock of the car, but the key did not turn. Then he looked at the car again. It was not his! He was in the wrong car! And the dog was in the right one! "He's sitting and laughing at me!" George said angrily. But then he smiled and got into his car with the dog.
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Fred Williams worked in a factory with a lot of other men. They talked and laughed a lot, and at lunch time they sat together and read newspapers and laughed about the pictures in them.
Then Fred married. His wife, Betty, was very nice, but she liked better newspapers than Fred. Every day a boy brought Fred's newspaper and Betty's newspaper to the house, and Fred took his to the factory and left Betty's in the hall. Once or twice he looked at hers, but he did not like it, and sometimes in the evening he said to Betty, "Why do you read that paper? I hate it."
But last Monday Fred said to his wife, "There was something very nice in that newspaper yesterday."
Betty was happy. "Oh!" she said, "that's good, Fred. What was that?"
Fred laughed and said, "My friend Bill's lunch. He brought it to work in the newspaper."
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Mr and Mrs Jones very seldom go out in the evening, but last Saturday, Mrs Jones said to her husband, "There's a good film at the cinema tonight. Can we go and see it?"
Mr Jones was quite happy about it, so they went, and both of them enjoyed the film.
They came out of the cinema at 11 o'clock, got into their car and began driving home. It was quite dark. Then Mrs Jones said, "Look, Bill. A woman's running along the road very fast, and a man's running after her. Can you see them?"
Mr Jones said, "Yes, I can." He drove the car slowly near the woman and said to her, "Can we help Yon?"
"No, thank you," the woman said, but she did not stop running. "My husband and I always run home after the cinema, and the last one washes the dishes at home!"
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There were a lot of men's clubs in London a few years ago. Men went there and read their newspapers quietly, or drank or had meals with their friends.
All of these men's clubs had a lot of very good servants. At every club one of the servants was a doorman. Mr Grace was the doorman of one of these clubs. He was fifty-five years old, and he had grey hair and a big grey moustache. The telephone rang in his office at six o'clock in the evening, and a woman spoke to him. She said, "Are you the doorman of the George Club?"
"Yes, I am," Mr Grace answered.
"Please give my husband a message," the woman said. "Your husband isn't at the club this evening," Mr Grace answered.
"But I haven't told you his name!" the woman said angrily. "That isn't necessary," Mr Grace answered. "No husband is ever at the club
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Jimmy lives in London and he began swimming a few months ago. He likes swimming, and he often goes to the swimming-pool near his house with his mother and swims there for an hour or two.
He was six years old last week, and his mother said, "You swim quite well now, Jimmy, but you've never seen the sea, have you? Your father and I are going to take you there on Sunday, and you're going to swim in the sea. It cold now, and it's much nicer than a swimming-pool."
Jimmy's father and mother took him to the sea in their car on Sunday, and they stopped at the side of a small harbour. Jimmy got out and looked at the sea for a long time, but he was not very happy. Then he said to his mother, "Which is the shallow end?"
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Mrs Green was eighty, but she had a small car, and she always drove to the shops in it on Saturday and bought her food.
She did not drive fast, because she was old, but she drove well and never hit anything. Sometimes her grandchildren said to her, "Please don't drive your car, Grandmother. We can take you to the shops."
But she always said, "No, I like driving. I've driven for fifty years, and I'm not going to stop now."
Last Saturday she stopped her car at some traffic-lights because they were red, and then it did not start again. The lights were green, then yellow, then red, then green again, but her car did not start.
"What am I going to do now?" she said.
But then a policeman came and said to her kindly, "Good morning. Don't you like any of our colours today?"
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Mary was an English girl, but she lived in Rome. She was six years old. Last year her mother said to her, "You're six years old now, Mary, and you're going to begin going to a school here. You're going to like it very much, because it's a nice school."
"Is it an English school?" Mary asked.
"Yes, it is," her mother said.
Mary went to the school, and enjoyed her lessons. Her mother always took her to school in the morning and brought her home in the afternoon. Last Monday her mother went to the school at 4 o'clock, and Mary ran out of her class.
"We've got a new girl in our class today, Mummy," she said. "She's six years old too, and she's very nice, but she isn't English. She's German."
Does she speak English?" Mary's mother asked.
"No, but she laughs in English," Mary said happily
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Mrs Jones did not have a husband, but she had two sons. They were big, strong boys, but they were lazy. On Saturdays they did not go to school, and then their mother always said, "Please cut the grass in the garden this afternoon, boys." The boys did not like it, but they always did it.
Then somebody gave one of-the boys a magazine, and he saw a picture of a beautiful lawn-mower in it. There was a seat on it, and there was a woman on the seat.
The boy took the picture to his mother and brother and said to them, "Look, that woman's sitting on the lawn-mower and driving it and cutting the grass. We want one of those."
One of those lawn-mowers?" his mother asked.
"No," the boy said. "We want one of those women. Then she can cut the grass every week
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One of Hurry's feet was bigger than the other. "I can never find boots and shoes for my feet," he said to his friend Dick.
"Why don't you go to a shoemaker?" Dick said. "A good one can make you the right shoes."
"I've never been to a shoemaker," Harry said. "Aren't they very expensive?"
"No," Dick said, "some of them aren't. There's a good one in our village, and he's quite cheap. Here's his address." He wrote something on a piece of paper and gave it to Harry.
Harry went to the shoemaker in Deck's village a few days later, and the shoemaker made him some shoes.
Harry went to the shop again a week later and looked at the shoes. Then he said to the shoemaker angrily, "You're a silly man! I said, "Make one shoe bigger than the other," but you've made one smaller than the other!"
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Joe Richards finished school when he was 18, and then his lather said to him, "You've passed your examinations now, Joe, and you got good marks in them. Now go and get some good work. They're looking for clever people at the bank in the town. The clerks there get quite a lot of money now."
A few days later, Joe went to the bank and asked for work there. A man took him into a small room and gave him some questions on a piece of paper. Joe wrote his answers on the paper, and then he gave them to the man.
The man looked at them for a few minutes, and then he took a pen and said to Joe, "Your birthday was on the 12th of June, Mr Richards?"
"Yes, sir," Joe said.
"What year?" the man asked.
"Oh, every year, sir," Joe said.
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Fred works in a factory. He does not have a wile, and he gets quite a lot money every week. He loves cars, and has a new one every year. He likes driving very fast, and he always buys small, fast, red cars. He sometimes takes his mother out in them, and then she always says, "But, Fred, why do you drive these cars? We're almost sitting on the road!"
Then Fred laughs and is happy. He likes being very near the road.
Fred is very tall and very fat.
Last week he came out of a shop and went to his car. There was a small boy near it. He was looking at the beautiful red car. Then he looked up and saw Fred.
"How do you get into that small car?" he asked him. Fred laughed and said, "I don't get into it. I put it on."
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Mr and Mrs Yates had one daughter. Her name was Carol, and she was nineteen years old. Carol lived with her parents and worked in an office. She had some friends, but she did not like any of the boys very much.
Then she met a very nice young man. His name was George Watts, and he worked in a bank near her office. They went out together quite a lot, and he came to Carol's parents' house twice, and then last week Carol went to her father and said, "I'm going to marry George Watts, Daddy. He was here yesterday."
"Oh, yes," her father said. "He's a nice boy-but has he got any money?"
"Oh, men! All of you are the same," the daughter answered angrily. "I met George on the first off June and on the second he said to me, "Has your father got any money?"
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Miss Williams was a teacher, and there were thirty small children in her class. They were nice children, and Miss Williams liked all of them, but they often lost clothes. It was winter, and the weather was very cold. The children's mothers always sent them to school with warm coats and hats and gloves. The children came into the classroom in the morning and took off their coats and hats and gloves. They put their coats and hats on hooks on the wall, and they put their gloves in the pockets of their coats.
Last Tuesday Miss Williams found two small blue gloves on the floor in the evening, and in the morning she said to the children, "Whose gloves are these?", but no one answered.
Then she looked at Dick. "Haven't you got blue gloves, Dick?" she asked him.
"Yes, miss," he answered, "but those can't be mine. I've lost mine."
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قطع للقراءة مستوى أساسي
Dave worked in a factory, and he always made sandwiches in the morning, took them to work and ate them at midday.
Then he married, so he thought, "Now my wife's going to make my sandwiches."
On the first day, she made him some, and when he got home in the evening, she said to him, "Were the sandwiches all right?"
"Oh, yes," he answered, "But you only gave me two slices of bread." The next day she gave him four slices, but he said again, "Four slices aren't enough."
The third day she gave him eight slices, but those were not enough for him either, so on the fourth day she took a loaf of bread, cut it in half and put a big piece of meat in it.
In the evening she said to him, "Was your lunch nice?"
"Oh, yes," he answered. "But two slices of bread aren't enough."
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Mrs Robinson was a teacher in a big school in a city in America. She had boys and girls in her class, and she always enjoyed teaching them, because they were quick, and because they thought about everything carefully. One day she said to the children, "People in a lot of countries in Asia wear white clothes at funerals, but people in America and in Europe wear white clothes when they're happy. What colour does a woman wear in this country when she marries, Mary?"
Mary said, "White, Miss, because she's happy."
"That's good, Mary," Mrs Robinson said. "You're quite right. She wears white because she's happy."
But then one of the boys in the class put his hand up.
"Yes, Dick!" Mrs Robinson said. "Do you want to ask something?" "Yes, please, Miss," Dick said. "Why do men wear black in this country when they marry, Miss?"
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A few years ago, there were a lot of hijackings on aeroplanes, so now people always search passengers and their luggage at airports before they let them get into an aeroplane, because they do not want them to take guns or bombs or other dangerous things on to the plane with them.
Mr and Mrs Smith were singers, and they travelled a lot. Whenever they went by plane, people searched them and their luggage, of course.
One day, Mr Smith came to the airport, and the men searched him and his luggage first. He was ready to get on the plane. Then Mrs Smith arrived. She was late and in a hurry, but the people searched her and her bag carefully. Then Mr Smith heard her laugh and say to the men happily, "Oh, that's very good! I've looked for those scissors for several days, and now you've found them for me! Thank you very much!"
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Mick lived in the country, and he had quite a big garden. He grew vegetables, and he had some nice, fat chickens too. He sold the eggs and the meat, and got quite a lot of money for them.
His neighbour had a big garden too, and he also had vegetables and nice, fat chickens in it. There was a wire fence between the gardens, but it was very old, and the chickens often found holes in it and went through.
Now Mick wanted a new fence between his garden and his neighbour's, so Mr Biggs came to build it. Mick said to him, "Please make the fence out of strong wood. And I want a hole in it. Make it big enough for my chickens to get into my neighbour's garden and eat his vegetables, but too small for his to get into mine and eat mine."
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It was winter, and Mrs Hermann wanted to do a lot of shopping, so she waited until it was Saturday, when her husband was free, and she took him to the shops with her to pay for everything and to carry her parcels. They went to a lot of shops, and Mrs Hermann bought a lot of things. She often stopped and said, "Look, Joe! Isn't that beautiful!"
He then answered, "All right, dear. How much is it?" and took his money out to pay for it.
It was dark when they came out of the last shop, and Mr Hermann was tired and thinking about other things, like a nice drink by the side of a warm fire at home. Suddenly his wife looked up at the sky and said, "Look at that beautiful moon, Joe!"
Without stopping, Mr Hermann answered, "All right, dear. How much is it?"
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Mr and Mrs Smith married thirty years ago, and they have lived in the same house since then. Mr Smith goes to work at eight o'clock every morning, and he gets home at half past seven every evening, from Monday to Friday.
There are quite a lot of houses in their street, and most of the neighbours are nice. But the old lady in the house opposite Mr and Mrs Smith died, and after a few weeks a young man and woman came to live in it.
Mrs Smith watched them for a few days from her window and then she said to her husband, "Bill, the man in that house opposite always kisses his wife when he leaves in the morning and he kisses her again when he comes home in the evening. Why don't you do that too?"
"Well," Mr Smith answered, "I don't know her very well yet
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Mrs Peters had two children. Sammy was seven years old, and his sister Annie was four. Sammy went to school, but Annie did not. When Sammy was at home, he often played with Annie while their mother was cooking or washing or cleaning, and he was usually very nice to his small sister, and Mrs Peters was free to do her work quietly.
One Saturday morning, the two children were playing in the garden while their mother was cooking the lunch. They were quite happy until Annie suddenly began to cry and ran into the kitchen to her mother.
Mrs Peters stopped cooking and said, "Why are you crying, Annie?"
"Sammy"s broken my toy horse," Annie answered, crying more loudly.
"How did he break it?" her mother asked.
Annie stopped crying, but did not answer for a few seconds. Then she said, "I hit him on the head with it."
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Ted worked in a factory in a big town. He liked fishing very much, and was very good at it. Whenever he was free, he went down to the small river behind the factory and tried to catch some fish, but there were very few there, because the water was dirty. Then one summer he went to the seaside during his holidays and stayed at a small, cheap hotel.
"I've never fished in the sea before," he thought. "It will be rather different from fishing in our river."
On the first day he caught a lot of fish and was very happy. He gave them to the hotel, and they cooked them for all the guests, and they enjoyed them very much. After that, he did this every day. But when Ted got his bill at the end of the week, he saw on it:
"For oil to fry fish (7 days): £3.50."
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Nat lived in a small town in England. He always stayed in England for his holidays, but then last year he thought, "I've never been outside this country. All my friends go to Spain, and they like it very much, so this year I'm going to go there too."
First he went to Madrid and stayed in a small hotel for a few days. On the first morning he went out for a walk. In England people drive on the left, but in Spain they drive on the right. Nat forgot about this, and while he was crossing a busy street, a bicycle knocked him down.
Nat lay on the ground for a few seconds and then he sat up and said, "Where am I?"
An old man was selling maps at the side of the street, and he at once came to Nat and said, "Map of the city, sir?"
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Harry and Bob were neighbours, and they worked in the same bank. They were young and they often went out together. Then the bank sent both of them to a new town. They did not know any other people there, so on the first Saturday, Bob said to Harry, "There's a dance at the Bridge Hotel this evening. Let's go there. Perhaps we'll meet some nice girls."
Harry answered, "All right," and they went to the dance together. They danced several times with the girls there, and then Harry went to Bob and pointed to one girl.
"She's a nasty one," he said angrily. "Don't talk to her."
Bob was surprised. "Why? What happened?" he asked his friend. Harry answered, "She said to me, 'Do you dance?'"
Bob laughed and said, "But that isn't a nasty thing to say!"
"She said it while I was dancing with her," Harry answered angrily.
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Mr Miller had a shop in a big town. He sold ladies' clothes, and he always had two or three shopgirls to help him. They were always young, because they were cheaper than older women, but none of them worked for him for very long, because they were young, and they did not meet many boys in a women's shop.
Last month a pretty girl came to work for him. Her name was Helen, and she was very good.
After a few days, Mr Miller saw a young man come into the shop. He went straight to Helen, spoke to her for a few minutes and then went out of the shop again.
Mr Miller was rather surprised, and when the young man left, he went to Helen and said, "That young man didn't buy anything. What did he want to see?"
Helen answered, "Me, at half past five."
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Harry did not stop his car at some traffic-lights when they were red, and he hit another car. Harry jumped out and went to it. There was an old man in the car. He was very frightened and said to Harry, "What are you doing? You nearly killed me!"
"Yes," Harry answered, "I'm very sorry." He took a bottle out of his car and said, "Drink some of this. Then you'll feel better." He gave the man some whisky, and the man drank it, but then he shouted again, "You nearly killed me!"
Harry gave him the bottle again, and the old man drank a lot of the whisky. Then he smiled and said to Harry, "Thank you. I feel much better now. But why aren't you drinking?"
"Oh, well," Harry answered, "I don't want any whisky now. I'm going to sit here and wait the police."
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When jimmy was a boy, he always liked watches and clocks very much. When he was eighteen years old, he went into the army, and after a year, he began to teach himself to mend watches. A lot of his friends brought him broken watches, and he mended them for them.
Then his captain heard about this, and one day he brought him a watch too and said, "My watch has stopped. Can you mend it for me, please?"
Jimmy said, "Yes, sir, I can." After a few days, he brought the watch back to the captain.
"How much do I owe you?" the officer asked.
"One pound, sir," Jimmy answered. Then he took a small box out of his pocket and gave it to the captain, saying, "Here are three wheels from your watch. I didn't find a place for them when I put everything back."
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When Alan was young, he played a lot of football, and he was very good at it, but then he went and worked in a town, and there was no team for him there, so he stopped playing.
Then he began to get rather fat, so he thought, "I've stopped playing football, and in now I'm getting fat. What am I going to do?" He thought about it for a few days, and then he said to himself, "I know: I'll play tennis."
He had a few lessons, and then played for a few months.
He met a nice girl at the tennis club one day, and they played a game of tennis against another young man and woman. Alan played very badly, and was very angry with himself. "I've never played as badly as this before," he said to the girl.
"Oh," she said, "You have played before, have you?"
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Bruce was an Australian and worked for a newspaper in Sydney. Then he thought, "I want to see Europe, so I"ll go to England and work for a newspaper there for a few years."
He flew to London and soon got work, because he was good at his job.
He lived in a small but comfortable house near London, and he had a small garden. He enjoyed working in it on Saturdays and Sundays. He had nice neighbours on both sides, and they often worked in their gardens on Saturdays and Sundays too, and then they talked and joked together.
One day he was digging a hole in his garden to plant a bush when one of these neighbours came to the fence between the two gardens and looked at Bruce's work. He laughed and said, "Are you making a swimming-pool?"
"Oh, no," answered Bruce, "I'm going home."
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Dick lived in Oxford, and he had a new girl-friend. Her name was Daisy, and Dick liked her very much. One Sunday they went for picnic in the country, and when they were walking to a nice place near a river, they saw a cow and its calf.
"Look, Daisy," Dick said, "that cow's giving its calf a kiss. Isn't that nice?"
Daisy stopped and looked. Then she smiled and said, "Yes, it is, Dick. It's very pretty."
"Doesn't it make you want to have a kiss too, Daisy?' Dick said then, looking at her.
Daisy thought for a few seconds and then she said, "No, it doesn't really, Dick. Does it make you want to have one?"
"Yes, it does, Daisy," Dick answered, holding her hand.
"All right, then go and get a kiss," Daisy answered, "and I'll wait here. It looks like a nice, quiet cow."
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Joe and Fred were helping to build a house in a village. The weather was very warm, there was a lot of dust everywhere, and by half past twelve, they were very thirsty, so they stopped work to have their lunch.
They found the nearest small bar, went in and sat down with their sandwiches.
"Good afternoon, gentlemen. What can I get you?" the man behind the bar asked.
Joe looked at Fred and said, "Beer, I think. Yes, a pint of beer each. Is that all right for you, Fred?"
"Yes, that's all right," Fred said. Then he turned to the man behind the bar and said, "And I want it in a clean glass! Don't forget that."
The man behind the bar filled the glasses and brought them to Joe and Fred. Then he said, "Which of you asked for the clean glass?"
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Mr Johnson was a rich old man. He lived in a beautiful house in the country with lots of servants, but his wife was dead, and he did not have any children.
Then he died suddenly, and people said, "His servants killed him, because they wanted his money."
But the servants said, "No, he killed himself."
The police came and asked the servants a lot of questions, and after a few weeks, there was a big trial. There were two famous lawyers and several important witnesses.
"Tell me," one of the lawyers said to a witness one day, "did Mr Johnson often talk to himself when he was alone?"
"I don't know," the witness answered at once.
"You don't know?" the lawyer repeated angrily. "You don't know? But you were his best friend, weren't you? Why don't you know?"
"Because I was never with him when he was alone." the witness answered.
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When Pat was twenty-one years old, he began to work in a small office in a city. At first he never travelled anywhere, but then he became a little more important, and he began to go to other cities for a few days to do some work there. Of course, he stayed in small hotels, when he was away from his home, but he did not know very much about living in hotels at first.
One evening when he was staying in a small hotel in Sheffield, he came back from the office and said to the clerk at the desk in the hotel, "Good evening. Did any letters come for me today, please?"
The clerk was busy, but when he finished his work, he went to a big pile of letters and said, "What name, please?"
"Well," answered Pat, "the name will be on the letters."
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Mr Reece was a farmer. He and his wife grew a lot of things and they had a few cows. They worked very hard. One day, Mr Reece said to his wife, "Let's go to Portsmouth next Sunday. We can have a good lunch there, and then we can go to the cinema."
His wife was very happy when she heard this, because she and her husband always ate a lot, and she did not like cooking three times a day every day.
They went to Portsmouth by train and walked about for an hour. Then, when it was 12 o'clock, they wanted to have a meal. They looked at several restaurants. In one of them there was a notice outside: "Lunch: 12.30 to 2.30: £1.50."
"Well, that's good," Mrs Reece said. "We can eat for two hours for £1.50 here! This is the place for us."
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John lived with his mother in a rather big house, and when she died, the house became too big for him so he bought a smaller one in the next street. There was a very nice old clock in his first house, and when the men came to take his furniture to the new house, John thought, "I'm not going to let them carry my beautiful old clock in their truck. Perhaps they'll break it, and then mending it will be very expensive."
So he picked it up and began to carry it down the road in his arms.
It was heavy, so he stopped two or three times to have a rest.
Then suddenly a small boy came along the road. He stopped and looked at John for a few seconds. Then he said to John, "You're a stupid man, aren't you? Why don't you buy a watch like everybody else?"
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Two soldiers were in camp. The first one's name was George, and the second one's name was Bill. George said, "Have you got a piece of paper and an envelope, Bill?"
Bill said, "Yes, I have," and he gave them to him.
Then George said, "Now I haven't got a pen." Bill gave him his, and George wrote his letter. Then he put it in the envelope and said, "Have you got a stamp, Bill?" Bill gave him one.
Then Bill got up and went to the door, so George said to him, "Are you going out?"
Bill said, "Yes, I am," and he opened the door.
George said, "Please put my letter in the box in the office, and . . ." He stopped.
"What do you want now?" Bill said to him.
George looked at the envelope of his letter and answered, "What's your girl-friend's address?"
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General Pershing was a famous American officer. He was in the American army, and fought in Europe in the First World War.
After he died, some people in his home town wanted to remember him, so they put up a big statue of him on a horse.
There was a school near the statue, and some of the boys passed it every day on their way to school and again on their way home. After a few months some of them began to say, "Good morning, Pershing", whenever they passed the statue, and soon all the boys at the school were doing this.
One Saturday one of the smallest of these boys was walking to the shops with his mother when he passed the statue. He said, "Good morning, Pershing" to it, but then he stopped and said to his mother, "I like Pershing very much. Ma, but who's that funny man on his back?"
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Jack worked in an office in a small town. One day his boss said to him, "Jack, I want you to go to Manchester, to an office there, to see Mr Brown. Here's the address."
Jack went to Manchester by train. He left the station, and thought, "The office isn't far from the station. I'll find it easily."
But after an hour he was still looking for it, so he stopped and asked an old lady. She said, "Go straight along this street, turn to the left at the end, and it's the second building on the right." Jack went and found it.
A few days later he went to the same city, but again he did not find the office, so he asked someone the way. It was the same old lady! She was very surprised and said, "Are you still looking for that place?"
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When Billy was very small, he loved pictures. His mother often drew some for him on old pieces of paper. She was very bad at drawing, but Billy enjoyed her pictures and always wanted more.
Then, when he was a little older, Billy's mother gave him some pencils and a drawing book, and he began drawing pictures too, but they were never good.
When Billy was five years old, his mother gave him a small blackboard, some pieces of chalk and a duster. He liked those very much. One day he was trying to draw a picture of his father on the blackboard. He drew lines and rubbed them out, drew more and rubbed those out too for ten minutes, but when he looked at his picture he was not happy.
"Well," he said at last to his mother, I'll put a tail on it and make it a monkey."
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There were men soldiers and women soldiers in an army camp, and every Sunday morning they all went to church, but a lot of the soldiers did not like it much. There was a choir of men soldiers, and Captain Jones was trying to find women soldiers to sing in it too, but none of the ones in the camp offered to do this.
Then one day Captain Jones saw a new girl soldier. She was a tall, very beautiful girl. Captain Jones went to her and said, "Will you come and sing in the choir at our church, please?"
The girl was very surprised and said, "But, sir, I can't sing at all!"
"Oh, that's all right," answered Captain Jones. "That doesn't matter at all. You don't need to sing: I only want someone to keep the men soldiers looking in front of them when they are in the church."
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Len was thirty years old, and he had very long hair. He lived in a big city, but one year he did not find any work there, so he went to a small town and began looking for work there. He went to a lot of places, but nobody wanted him.
Then he met an old friend, and this man said to him, "People in this town don't like long hair. Why don't you go to a barber? He can cut a lot of it off and then you can get some work."
Len went to a barber and said, "Please cut most of my hair off." The barber began. He cut and cut for a long time and then he said to Len, "Were you in the army a few years ago?"
"Yes, I was," Len answered. "Why did you ask that?"
"Because I've found your cap," the barber said.
قطع للقراءة مستوى متوسط
Mr and Mrs Taylor had one child. He was a boy, he was seven years old, and his name was Pat. Now Mrs Taylor was expecting another child.
Pat had seen babies in other people's houses and had not liked them very much, so he was not delighted about the news that there was soon going to be one in his house too.
One evening Mr and Mrs Taylor were making plans for the baby's arrival. "This house won't be big enough for us all when the baby comes. I suppose we'll have to find a larger house and move to that," said Mr Taylor finally.
Pat had been playing outside, but he came into the room just then and said, "What are you talking about?"
"We were saying that we'll have to move to another house now, because the new baby's coming," his mother answered.
"It's no use," said Pat hopelessly. "He'll follow us there."
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In England nobody under the age of eighteen is allowed to drink in a public bar.
Mr Thompson used to go to a bar near his house quite often, but he never took his son, Tom, because he was too young. Then when Tom had his eighteenth birthday, Mr Thompson took him to his usual bar for the first time. They drank for half an hour, and then Mr Thompson said to his son, "Now, Tom, I want to teach you a useful lesson. You must always be careful not to drink too much. And how do you know when you've had enough? Well, I'll tell you. Do you see those two lights at the end of the bar? When they seem to have become four, you've had enough and should go home."
"But, Dad," said Tom, "I can only see one light at the end of the bar."
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Mr and Mrs Davis had four children. One Saturday Mrs Davis said to her husband, "The children haven't got any lessons today, and you're free too. There's a fun-fair in the park. Let's all go."
Her husband was doubtful about this. "I want to finish some work," he said.
"Oh, forget about it and come to the fair!" his wife said.
So Mr and Mrs Davis took the children to the fun-fair. Mr Davis was forty-five years old, but he enjoyed the fun-fair more than the children. He hurried from one thing to another, and ate lots of sweets and nuts.
One of the children said to her mother, "Daddy's behaving just like a small child, isn't he, Mummy?"
Mrs Davis was quite tired of following her husband around by now, and she answered, "He's worse than a small child, Mary, because he's got his own money!"
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Mr Jones bought some things from a big shop fast month, and when he got the bill a few days ago, he thought that there was a mistake in it, so he telephoned the shop and asked to speak to the Accounts Department. "Who do you want to speak to in the Accounts Department?" the telephone operator asked.
"It doesn't matter to me," Mr Jones answered. He did not know the names of any of the people who worked there. He heard nothing for a few seconds and then the operator said, "Hullo, you wanted to speak to someone in the Accounts Department, didn't you?"
"Yes, that's right," Mr Jones answered.
"Would you like to speak to Mr Hankinson?" the operator said.
"Yes, that'll be all right," Mr Jones said patiently. "It doesn't matter who I speak to."
"I'm sorry," the operator answered, "but Mr Hankinson isn't in today."
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Mr Hodge was a chicken farmer. He had hundreds of chickens, and sold the eggs and the meat and got quite a lot of money for them, but he lived in a very hot part of the country, and he found that his hens laid hardly any eggs in the summer. So he decided to put air-conditioning into his chicken-house so that the hens would lay well all through the year and he could get more eggs and in that way earn more money.
The owner of the company which sold the air-conditioning came to see him, and when he saw Mr Hodge's house, he thought that he might be able to persuade him to buy some air-conditioning for that too.
"Your wife would be much happier and more comfortable then," he said to Mr Hodge. But Mr Hodge was not interested.
"My wife doesn't lay eggs," he said.
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George Banks was a clever journalist. He worked for a good newspaper, and he liked arguing very much. He argued with anybody, and about anything. Sometimes the people whom he argued with were as clever as he was, but often they were not.
He did not mind arguing with stupid people at all: he knew that he could never persuade them to agree, because they could never really understand what he was saying; and the stupider they were, the surer they were that they were right; but he often found that stupid people said very amusing things.
At the end of one argument which George had with one of these less clever people, the man said something which George has always remembered and which has always amused him. It was, "Well, sir, you should never forget this: there are always three answers to every question: your answer, my answer, and the correct answer."
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Pat came over from Ireland to England with his wife one year to find work. He got quite a good job with a building company, and as he did not drink or smoke, he saved up quite a lot of money.
His wife's parents were still in Ireland, and one day she got a telegram to say that her mother was ill, so Pat gave her some money and she went to Ireland to see her.
After a week, Pat wanted to write a letter to her, but he could not read or write very well, so he went to his priest and asked him to do it for him. Pat told the priest what he wanted to say, and the priest wrote it down. After a few minutes Pat stopped, and the priest said, `Do you want to say any more?"
"Only, 'Please excuse the bad writing and spelling'," Pat said.
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Mark went to a barber's shop and had his hair cut, but when he came out, he was not happy with the result, and when his friend George saw him, he laughed and said, "What's happened to your hair, Mark?"
Mark said, "I tried a new barber's shop today, because I wasn't at all satisfied with my old one, but this one seems even worse."
George agreed. "Yes, I think you're right, Mark. Now I'll tell you what to do next time you go into a barber's shop: look at all the barbers' hair, and then go to the one whose own hair has been cut the worst."
"The one whose hair's been cut the worst?" Mark repeated. "But that would be foolish!"
"Oh, no, it wouldn't," answered George. "Who do you think cut that man's hair? He couldn't cut it himself, could he? Another of the barbers cut it-and he must have been a worse barber than the one whose hair he cut."
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Mrs Harris's husband died when she was forty-five years old. She had a son, who was eighteen years old at that time.
Mrs Harris was not a widow for very long. She met a nice man who was a few years, older than she was, and two years after her first husband had died, she married for the second time. Her son, Peter, was twenty years old then.
Mrs Harris had a nice, quiet wedding in the village church, and after that, they had the usual party at her house for her family and her new husband's, and for some of their friends, but Peter was very late for the party. At last he hurried in, kissed his mother, and said, "I'm sorry I'm late, Mum, but I've been looking everywhere for a card which says, "To my Mother, for her Wedding," and I haven't been able to find one."
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A long time ago, when aeroplanes were not very big or strong yet, all passengers had to be weighed with their luggage, so that planes did not have to carry more than it was safe to carry. Then later, when aeroplanes became bigger and stronger, only the luggage had to be weighed; and now very often, the luggage has to be measured instead of being weighed, because size is more important to the airlines than weight. Aeroplanes are so big and strong now, that they can carry almost any weight.
But before a passenger can travel by Hawaiian Airlines, he or she still has to be weighed. Once when one fat man was asked by the airlines' clerk how much he weighed, he thought for a few seconds and then said to her: "With or without my clothes?"
"Well, sir," the girl answered, "how are you planning to travel?"
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When Dick was six years old, he went and stayed with his grandparents in the country for a few weeks in the summer. He talked a lot with his grandmother while he was there, and she told him a lot of interesting things about their family which he had not known before. When he came home again to his own parents, he said to his father, "Is it true that I was born in London, Daddy?"
"Yes, it is, Dick," his father answered.
"And were you really born in Germany?" Dick asked.
"Yes, that's right," his father answered. "I was."
"And is it true that Mummy was born in Ireland?" Dick continued.
His father said, "Yes, it is, but why are you asking me all these questions?"
Dick answered, "Because when Granny told me all those things while I was with her, I couldn't understand how we had all met."
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An important businessman went to see his doctor because he could not sleep at night. The doctor examined him carefully and then said to him, "Your trouble is that you need to learn to relax. Have you got any hobbies?"
The businessman thought for a few moments and then said, "No, doctor, I haven't. I don't have any time for hobbies."
"Well," the doctor answered, "that is your main trouble, you see. You don't have time for anything except your work. You must find some hobbies, and you must learn to refax with them, or you'll be dead in less than five years. Why don't you learn to paint pictures?"
"All right, doctor," the businessman said. "I'll try that."
The next day he telephoned the doctor and said, "That was a very good idea of yours, doctor. Thank you very much. I've already painted fifteen pictures since I saw you."
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When Dave Perkins was young, he played a lot of games, and he was thin and strong, but when he was forty-five, he began to get fat and slow. He was not able to breathe as well as before, and when he walked rather fast, his heart heat painfully.
He did not do anything about this for a long time, but finally he became anxious and went to see a doctor, and the doctor sent him to hospital. Another young doctor examined him there and said, "I don't want to mislead you, Mr Perkins. You're very ill, and I believe that you are unlikely to live much longer. Would you like me to arrange for anybody to come and see you before you die?"
Dave thought for a few seconds and then he answered, "I'd like another doctor to come and see me."
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Joe was one of those people who love the sound of their own voice. He never had anything interesting to say, but he talked and talked and talked, and every story he told reminded him of another one, so that he never stopped for a second to let anybody else say anything.
One evening he was invited to a party by someone whom he had met only a few days before and who did not know him very well yet. They had a good meal, and then they had some music and dancing. Joe danced once with a pretty girl and then suggested that they should sit and talk. He talked and talked and talked, and was just beginning, "And that reminds me of the time . . . ," when the girl said, "The time? Yes, you're quite right!" She looked at her watch quickly and said, "Look how fate it is. I must go."
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Matthew Hobbs was sixteen years old. He had been at the same school for five years, and he had always been a very bad pupil. He was lazy, he fought with other pupils, he was rude to the teachers, and he did not obey the rules of the school. His headmaster tried to make him work and behave better, but he was never successful-and the worst thing was that, as Matthew grew older, he was a bad influence on the younger boys.
Then at last Matthew left school. He tried to get a job with a big company, and the manager wrote to the headmaster to find out what he could say about Matthew.
The headmaster wanted to be honest, but he also did not want to be too hard, so he wrote, "If you can get Matthew Hobbs to work for you, you will be very lucky."
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Harry came to his mother one morning while she was having her breakfast, and said to her, "No one at my school likes me, Mother. The teachers don't, and the children don't. Even the cleaners and the bus drivers hate me."
"Well, Harry," his mother answered, "perhaps you aren't very nice to them. If a few people don't like a person, he or she may not be responsible for that; but if a lot of people don't, there's usually something wrong, and that person really needs to change."
"I'm too old to change," Harry said. "I don't want to go to school."
"Don't be silly, Harry," his mother said, going towards the garage to get the car out. "You have to go. You're quite well, and you still have a lot of things to learn. And besides that, you're the headmaster of the school."
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Mrs Watson was a doctor's wife. She had a nice neighbour, Mrs Potts. They often did each other's shopping.
One day, Mrs Potts had to go to Dr Watson because she was ill, so Mrs Watson said, "I'll do your shopping today, Beryl." Mrs Potts told her that she only wanted a sheep's kidney.
Mrs Watson went to the shops, and when she came back, she went to Mrs Potts's house, but she was not there, so she went to her own house. She looked in her husband's waiting-room, but Mrs Potts was not there either, so she went into her husband's office. Her husband told her that Mrs Potts had just left him and gone to the lavatory.
Mrs Watson ran out into the crowded waiting-room just in time to catch Mrs Potts. She shouted, "Here's your kidney!" and ran and gave her the parcel.
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Jim was intelligent, but he hated hard work. He said, "You work hard, and earn a lot of money, and then the government takes most of it. I want easy work that gives me lots of money and that the government doesn't know about."
So he became a thief-but he did not do the stealing: he got others to do it. They were much less intelligent than he was, so he arranged everything and told them what to do.
One day they were looking for rich families to rob, and Jim sent one of them to a large beautiful house just outside the town.
It was evening, and when the man looked through one of the windows, he saw a young man and a girl playing a duet on a piano.
When he went back to Jim, he said, "That family can't have much money. Two people were playing on the same piano there."
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Fred sometimes liked to go to a bar to have a drink before he went home after work. There were some tables and chairs in the bar, but it was too early for most people when Fred was there, so he seldom found anyone to talk to.
Then one evening he went into the bar and saw a man playing draughts at a table, but he could not see anyone in the chair opposite him. He went nearer to look, and was very surprised to see that the man was playing against a dog. When it had to move one of its draughts, it stood on its back legs on the chair.
Fred watched while the two played their game, and when the dog lost, Fred went up to its owner and said, "I've never seen such a clever dog before."
"Well," answered the other man, "he isn't really very clever. I always win."
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Henry was from the United States and he had come to London for a holiday.
One day he was not feeling well, so he went to the clerk at the desk of his hotel and said, "I want to see a doctor. Can you give me the name of a good one?"
The clerk looked in a book and then said, "Dr Kenneth Grey, 61010."
Henry said, "Thank you very much. Is he expensive?"
"Well," the clerk answered, "he always charges his patients two pounds for their first visit to him, and 1.50 for later visits."
Henry decided to save 50p, so when he went to see the doctor, he said, "I've come again, doctor."
For a few seconds the doctor looked at his face carefully without saying anything. Then he nodded and said, "Oh, yes." He examined him and then said, "Everything's going as it should do. Just continue with the medicine I gave you last time."
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Mrs Jenkins was the owner of a small restaurant in Southampton. Southampton is a big port. Mrs Jenkins had two young waitresses and a cook to help her.
One day a sailor came into the restaurant, sat down at one of the tables, ordered what he wanted from the waitress and then got up and left again after a few minutes. The owner of the restaurant was surprised when she saw this, so she called the waitress and asked her why the man had left before having his meal.
"Well," the waitress answered, "he asked for some of our fried rabbit, and when I went out into the kitchen to order it from the cook, the cat was just on the other side of the door and I stepped on its tail by mistake. It made a terrible noise, of course, and then the man got up from his table and went out very quickly."
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There is a prison in Iceland which allows its prisoners to go out without any guards to work every day. They work on the farms near the prison during the day, and come back to have their evening meal and to sleep every evening. Before they are allowed to go out like this, they have to promise to come back every evening. If they do not promise this, they are not let out.
One night one of the prisoners was invited to have a meal and a drink with the family of the farmer he was working for, so he came back to the prison very late. He had to knock at the gate several times before the guard came to let him in.
The guard did not like being disturbed at this time, so he said to the prisoner angrily, "If you come back so late again, I won't let you in."
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Mary's mother was nearly seventy, and Mary and her husband wanted to give the old lady a nice birthday present. She liked drinking tea, so Mary ordered an electric machine which made the tea and then woke you up in the morning. She wrapped it up in pretty paper and brought it to her mother on her birthday. Then her mother opened the package. Mary showed her how to use it.
"Before you go to bed, put the tea in the pot and the water in the kettle," she explained to the old lady, "and don't forget to switch the electricity on. Then, when you wake up in the morning, your tea will be ready."
After a few days, Mary's mother rang up and said, "Perhaps I'm being rather silly, but there's one thing I'm confused about: why do I have to go to bed to make the tea?"
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Peter was 10 years old, and he was having painting lessons every week at a small private class.
During the Christmas holidays, he had a party at his home, and he wanted to invite one of the other students, but he only knew her name - Cefia Poe. He did not know her address or her telephone number.
Peter's mother looked in the telephone book and said, "Well, there are only four Poes here, so I'll telephone each of them and ask whether they have a daughter who has painting lessons."
She telephoned the first one, and the telephone rang for rather a long time before a woman answered. Peter's mother said, "Excuse me. Is that the Mrs Poe who has a daughter who takes painting lessons?"
"No, it isn't," the woman answered. "This is the Mrs Poe who had to get out of her bath to answer the telephone!"
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Mr Grey was the manager of a small office in London. He lived in the country, and came up to work by train. He liked walking from the station to his office unless it was raining, because it gave him some exercise.
One morning he was walking along the street when a stranger stopped him and said to him, "You may not remember me, sir, but seven years ago I came to London without a penny in my pockets. I stopped you in this street and asked you to lend me some money, and you lent me five pounds, because you said that you were willing to take a chance so as to give a man a start on the road to success."
Mr Grey thought for a few moments and then said, "Yes, I remember you. Go on with your story."
"Well," answered the stranger, "are you still willing to take a chance?"
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During the Second World War it was difficult to travel by plane, because the seats were needed for important government and army people.
Mr Brown worked for the government during the war. He was a civilian, and he was doing very secret work, so nobody was allowed to know how important he was except a very few people.
One day he had to fly to Edinburgh to give a lecture to a few top people there, but an important army officer came to the airport at the last minute, and Mr Brown's seat was given to him, so he was not able to fly to the city to give his lecture.
It was not until he reached the city that the important officer discovered that the man whose seat he had taken was the one whose lecture he had flown to the city to hear.
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Peter Judd joined the army when he was eighteen, and for several months he was taught how to be a good soldier. He did quite well in everything except shooting. One day he and his friends were practising their shooting, and all of them were doing quite well except Peter. After he had shot at the target nine times and had not hit it once, the officer who was trying to teach the young soldiers to shoot said, "You're quite hopeless, Peter! Don't waste your last bullet too! Go behind that wall and shoot yourself with it!"
Peter felt ashamed. He went behind the wall, and a few seconds later the officer and the other young soldiers heard the sound of a shot.
"Heavens!" the officer said. "Has that silly man really shot himself?"
He ran behind the wall anxiously, but Peter was all right. "I'm sorry, sir," he said, "but I missed again."
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Mr Richards worked in a small seaside town, and he and his wife had a comfortable house near the sea. During the winter they were quite happy there, but every summer a lot of their relatives used to want to come and stay with them, because it was a nice place for a holiday, and it was much cheaper than staying in a hotel.
Finally one June Mr Richards complained to an intelligent friend of his who lived in the same place. "One of my wife's cousins intends to bring her husband and children and spend ten days with us next month again. How do you prevent all your relatives coming to live with you in the summer?"
"Oh," the friend answered, "that isn't difficult. I just borrow money from all the rich ones, and lend it to all the poor ones. After that, none of them come again."
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Mrs Scott bought a new house last year. The walls of the rooms had been painted a short time before, and Mrs Scott liked the colours, but the person who had sold her the house had taken the curtains with him, so Mrs Scott had to buy new ones, and of course she wanted to buy ones whose colours would go with the walls of her rooms. She discovered that her comb was exactly the same colour as these walls, so she always took it with her whenever she went to look for cloth for curtains.
In one shop she showed the shopkeeper the comb and then looked at various cloths for curtains for half an hour with him, until he got tired and said to her, "Madam, wouldn't it be easier just to buy some cloth you like, and then find a new comb to go with that?"
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Helen lived with her sister Mary. Both of them were about seventy-five years old, and neither of them had ever married. They had a small, old car, and when they wanted to go somewhere, which they did very rarely, Mary always drove, because her eyes were better.
One weekend they drove to a large town to look at some things which they had read about in the newspaper. Neither of them had been to that town before.
They were driving along in a lot of traffic when they turned right into a street which cars were not allowed to go into. There was a policeman there, and he blew his whistle, but Mary did not stop, so he got on to his motor-cycle and followed them.
After he had ordered them to stop, he said, "Didn't you hear me blow my whistle?"
"Yes, we did," admitted Mary politely, "but Mummy told us never to stop when men whistle at us."
قطع للقراءة مستوى متقدم
Harry Marsh was a driving examiner who had to test people who wanted to get a driving-licence. One day he came out of his office as usual and saw a car at the side of the road, with a young man in it. He got into the car beside the driver and told him to check the lights, then the brakes and then all the other usual things. The driver performed everything promptly and faultlessly, without saying a word.
Then Harry told the driver to start his engine and drive forward, Then he told him to turn right into a side road, stop, go backwards into another side road and then drive to the office again.
On the way, the driver said to harry politely, "Could you please tell me why we are doing all these things? I was passing through this town and only stopped to look at my map."
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Mr Williams was a gardener and a very good one too. Last year he came to work for Mrs Elphinstone, who was old, fat and rich.
She knew nothing about gardens, but thought that she knew a lot, and was always interfering. One day Mr Williams got angry with Mrs Elphinstone and called her an elephant. She did not like that at all, so she went to a lawyer, and a few months later Mr Williams was in court, accused of calling Mrs Elphinstone an elephant. The magistrate found Mr Williams guilty, so Mr Williams said to him, "Does that mean that I am not allow to call this lady an elephant anymore?"
"That is quite correct," the magistrate answered.
"And am I allowed to call an elephant a lady?" the gardener asked.
"Yes, certainly," the magistrate answered.
Mr Williams looked at Mrs Elphinstone and said, "Goodbye, lady."
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There are lots of different kinds of Christian groups in the world, and one of them decided that they would adopt the motto: "There are no problems. There are only opportunities." "People think too much about difficulties which prevent them from doing good deeds," they said, "and not enough about things that help them to do them."
Once this group was having a big conference in a hotel, when one of the members came up to the conference inquiries desk and said to the girl behind it, "Excuse me, miss, but i have a problem."
The girl pointed to the motto, and said to the man, "No, sir, you hven't got a problem. You only have an opportunity,"
The man smiled patiently at her and answered, "Well, you can call it whatever you like, but there's a young woman in the room I was given when I arrived twenty minutes ago."
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The cautious captain of a small ship had to go along a coast with which he was unfamiliar, so he tried to find a qualified pilot to guide him. He went ashore in one of the small ports where his ship stopped, and a local fisherman pretended that he was one because he needed some money. The captain took him on board and let him tell him where to steer the ship.
After half an hour the captain began to suspect that the fisherman did not really know what he was doing or where he was going so he said to him, "Are you sure you are a qualified pilot?"
"Oh, yes." answered the fisherman. "I know every rock on this part of the coast." Suddenly there was a terrible tearing sound from under the ship. At once the fisherman added, "And that's one of them."
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A lot of people go to the seaside for their holidays, and the various towns try to organize entertainment for them.
In one seaside holiday town in the south of England, arrangements were mande for a band to play outdoors in a public park every evening for a week. Unfortunately it rained the first evening, and although the band performed well, there was only one person in the audience because, although the band was under cover, the audience were not.
The man was sitting in a chair, wearing a waterproof hat and coat After an hour, the conductor of the band went to his man and inquired whether he had a special request.
"Yes I have," said the man. "Please finish as soon as you can. I'm the keeper of this park, and I want to lock the gates and go home."
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A very strict officer was talking to some new soldiers whom he had to train. He had never seen them before, so he began: "My name is Stone, and I'm even harder than stone, so do what I tell you or there'll be trouble. Don't try any tricks with me, and then we'll get on well together."
Then he went to each soldier one after the other and asked him his name. "Speak loudly so that everyone can hear you clearly," he said, "and don't forget to call me 'sir'."
Each soldier told him his name, until he came to the last one. This man remained silent, and so Captain Stone shouted at him. "When I ask you a question, answer it! I'll ask you again: what's your name, Soldier?"
The soldier was very unhappy, but at last he replied. "My name's Stonebreaker, sir," he said nervously.
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An old admiral was famous in the navy for his bad temper, so everyone tried hard not to annoy him. One week his ships were going to take part in a big international exercise, so he came on board in the evening, had his dinner and then went to bed. In the morning he had the breakfast early, came up to the bridge and examined the ships in his group carefully. Then he said angrily, "There should be two cruisers in this group, but I can only see one. Where's the other?" No one dared to answer, and this made the admiral even angrier. His face became redder and redder.
"Well?" he shouted. "What are you fools hiding from me? Where's the second cruiser? What's Happened to it? Answer me!"
At last a young sailor found enough courage to speak.
"Please, sir," he said, "you're on it."
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Miss Jones teaches mathematics at a school. In one of her classes, the boys and girls are about eight years old, and they are not very good at arithmetic. Miss Jones always tries to make the work interesting and amusing as well as useful.
One day she gave them a question: "If you go to the market to buy vegetables," she said, "and a carrot and a half cost twelve pence, how much will you have to pay for a dozen carrots?"
The pupils began to write in their exercise-books, and for a long time nobody spoke. Then one boy put his hand up and said, "Could you repeat the question, please, Miss?"
The teacher began, "If a carrot and a half-", but the boy interrupted her.
"Oh, a carrot and a half?" he said. "All this time I've been trying to work it out in cabbage. Miss."
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When Mr Andrews left university, he got a good job in a big oil company, but after he had been there for a few years, he decided that he would like a change. He also wanted to get a more important position, so that he could get more money, and perhaps also do more interesting work, so he put an advertisement in several newspapers, saying what experience he had had, describing the kind of job he had at that time and the kind he would like to have.
One of the answers he received was from another man who was looking for a job too. This man wrote to him, "Dear Sir, When you get a new job. Please be kind enough to give my name and address to your present employer, as I have been trying to find a position like yours for a long time."
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Mary was a university student. She did not have very much money, and her parents were not rich, but she had a uncle who had been fortunate enough to collect great wealth. He had no children, and Mary was his favourite niece, so he always gave her valuable Christmas and birthday presents.
When her Uncle George's birthday came round, Mary wanted to buy him something really special, but because he was so wealthy, she did not know what to get him. She went into the best shop in her town and explained what her problem was to one of the helpful young shop assistants.
Finally Mary said to her, "I suppose this isn't the first time anybody has come to you with this problem. What do you have for someone who's already got everything he wants or needs?"
The girl sighed deeply and answered, "Envy Only envy."
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Miss Richards was a teacher at a school for boys and girls, She taught chemistry and physics from the lowest to the highest classes in the school. Sometimes the new classes learnt rapidly, but sometimes they were very slow, and then Miss Richards had to repeat things many times.
One year, the first class had been studying chemistry for several weeks when Miss Richards suddenly asked, "What is water? Who knows? Hands up!"
There was silence for a few seconds, and Miss Richards felt saddened, but then one boy raised his hand.
"Yes, Dick?" said Miss Richards encouragingly. He was not one of brightest children in the class, so she was glad that he could answer.
"Water is a liquid which has no colour until you wash your hands in it, Miss. Then it turns black," the boy replied with great confidence.
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George was a newspaper reporter who worked for a small local newspaper in a country town. Nothing much ever happened there.
One day George's boss sent for him
"George," he said, "James bright is making a speech at the Town Hall tonight. I want you to go and report on it for us."
"James Bright?" said George. "He's terrible old fool. He never says anything worth reporting."
"Bright is our best-known local politician," said the boss. "We'll have to print a report on that speech."
So George went to the meeting and bright spoke for two hours without stopping. When George got back to the office at last, the boss was waiting for him.
"Well, George," he said. "What did the old man say?"
"Absolutely nothing." said George.
The boss wasn't surprised. "All right, George," he said, "You'd better not write more than two and a half columns on it."
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While Mrs Edwards was in town one Saturday, she saw a crash in an avenue: two cars ran into each other. The drivers got out, and an argument arose between them, but then a policeman arrived. He asked the drivers what has happened, and then he turned to the crowd which had collected round and said, "Did anyone see the accident?" Several people said they had, and Mrs Edwards was one of them.
A week later she was asked whether she was willing to be a witness in a court case concerning the accident, and she said she was; and a month later, a lawyer was questioning her in court. She began everything with, "I think that . . . ," until the lawyer got angry and said, "You're not here to say what you think: you're here to say what you know."
"I'm sorry," objected Mrs Edwards, "but I'm not a lawyer, so I can't say things without thinking."
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During World War Two, a lot a young women in Britain were in the army. Joan Phillips was one of them. She worked in a big camp, and of course met a lot a men, officers and soldiers.
One evening she met Captain Humphreys at a dance, He said to her, "I'm going abroad tomorrow, but I'd be very happy if we could write to each other." Joan agreed, and they wrote for several months.
Then his letters stopped, but she received one from another officer, telling her that he had been wounded and was in a certain army hospital in England.
Joan went there and said to the matron, "I've come to visit Captain Humphreys."
"Only relative are allowed to visit patients here," the matron said.
"Oh, that's all right," answered Joan. "I'm his sister."
"I'm very pleased to meet you," the matron said, "I'm his mother!"
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Mrs Black was old and rich. She lived in a splendid house and owned a lot of valuable things. Then she died, and there was a big funeral. Notices were sent out to relative and friends, and they came from far and near to attend the funeral.
The service took place in Mrs Black's old church, and then her body was taken back to be buried in a special place in her garden. The hearse carrying her body moved along slowly, followed by the relatives and friends, the women and children in cars, and the men on foot.
One of Mrs Black's cousins saw a poorly dressed man following the hearse and crying bitterly.
The cousin said to him kindly, "Were you a relative of the dead woman too?"
"No," the man answered.
"Then why are you crying?" the dead woman's relative asked.
"That's exactly why I'm crying," the poorly dressed man answered.
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It was very difficult to find jobs in the north-east of England, and when john lost his, he found it impossible to get a new one. He had soon spent all his money, so he decided to go down to the south of the country, where he had heard that things were better, and that it was easier to find work. The best way to go was by train, so he went to the railway station and got into a train which was going to London.
He was the only passenger in his compartment when another man burst in carrying a gun and said to him, "Your money, or your life!"
"I haven't got a penny." John answered in fright.
"Then why are you trembling so much?" the man with the gun asked angrily.
"Because I thought you were the ticket-collector, and I haven't even got a ticket," answered John.
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Mr Grey liked shooting very much, but he did not get much practice at shooting wild animals, and he was not very good at it. One of his troubles was that his eyes were not very good and he had to wear glasses. When it rained and his glasses got wet, he could not see very well.
One day he was invited to go out shooting bears in the mountains. It was rather a rainy day, and by mistake Mr Grey shot at one of the other hunters and hit him in the leg.
There was a court case about this, and at in the lawyer for the other man said, "Why did you shoot at Mr Robinson?"
Mr Grey answered, "I thought that he was a bear."
"When did you realize that you were wrong?" the lawyer asked.
"When the bear began to shoot back at me." Mr Grey answered.
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Army camps always have to be guarded, of course, to make sure that nobody goes in or out without permission, otherwise soldiers could go out when they were not supposed to, and anybody could come in at any time and cause all sorts of trouble.
There is usually a guard composed of several soldiers at each gate, and the men is the guard take turns to stand at the gate with a gun and stop everyone who wants to go in or out to see their passes. The man on guard is told to say, "Halt! Who goes there?" if anyone comes towards the gate.
A soldier was guarding the gate of a camp at night when he heard a sound in the dark. "Halt! Who goes there?" he shouted nervously.
"Nobody," a voice answered.
The soldier thought for a few seconds and then said, "Well-is there anyone with you?"
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Joe and Helen Mills had two small children. One of them was six, and the other was four. They always resisted going to bed, and Helen was always complaining to Joe about this, but as he did not come home from work until after they had gone to bed during the week, he was unable to help except at week-ends.
Joe considered himself a good singer, but really his voice was not at all musical. However, he decided that, if he sang to the children when they went to bed, it would help them to relax, and gradually they would go to sleep.
He did this every Saturday and Sunday night until he heard his small son whisper to his younger sister, "If you pretend that you're asleep, he stops!?
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Mr Hodges was the owner and editor of a small newspaper. He always tried to bring his readers the latest news.
One day, he received an excited telephone call from someone who claimed that he had just come through a big flood in a village up in the mountains. He described the flood in great detail, and Mr Hodges wrote it all down and printed it in his paper that evening. He was delighted to see that no other paper had got hold of the story.
Unfortunately, however, angry telephone calls soon showed that he had been tricked, so in the next day's paper he wrote: "We were the first and only newspaper to report yesterday that the village of Greenbridge had been destroyed by a flood. Today, we are proud to say that we are again the first newspaper to bring our readers the news that yesterday's story was quite false."
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While Mr Green was waiting for a bus one morning, a car passed him, going very rapidly. Mr Green just had time to think, That fellow's certain to have an accident if. . . , before that was exactly what happened: the car hit the side of a bus violently as it was passing, and there was a terrible noise and quite a lot of damage.
Mr Green hurried to see whether anyone had been hurt, but everyone was all right. However, the bus driver asked him to be a witness at the trial, and Mr Green agreed.
At the trial, the judge asked Mr Green, "How far were you from the Place where the accident took Place?"
"Eleven metres and forty-eight centimetres," Mr green answered.
The judge was astonished and said, "How do you know the distance so exactly?"
"Because I was expecting some fool to ask me." Mr Green answered.
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Mr Jones had to drive up from London to Edinburgh in Scotland.
"I'm going to drive at night," he said to his wife, "The roads will be quieter. And if I get hungry, I'll stop at one ofthe small restaurants at the side of the road and have something to eat."
The food's terrible in those places, I believe," his wife said.
"Oh, well, I don't suppose it will kill me," Mr Jones said, laughing. He left at 9 o'clock in the evening, and at about midnight he felt hungry, so he stopped at a small restaurant which was open all night and sat down at a table. A waiter came to him, and Mr Jones asked for ham and eggs.
"And," he said to the waiter, "I like my eggs almost raw, and my ham quite cold."
The waiter laughed and said, "You must have eaten here before!"
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Many years ago an English lady in Africa was invited by an important local chief to be the first person to use his new bath-the first one in that part of Africa.
The lady went into the bath-house, turned on the taps and got into the nice, warm water. But when she looked up, she was frightened to see an eye watching her through a hole. She got out, dressed and ran outside, She saw an old man and a donkey there. He was carrying a petrol tin of hot water in one hand, and one of cold water in the other, and in front of him were two funnels.
"Why were you watching me in my bath?" the lady asked him angrily.
The man answered politely, "I have to see which tap was turn on madam, or I don't know whether to pour in hot or cold water."
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Mr Robinson won a lot of money on the football pools, but he did not know what the best thing to do with it would be, so he went to a friend who knew a lot about money matters.
This friend said to him, "Go and buy some modern paintings, Their value goes up every year."
Mr Robinson went to a good art shop and looked at some modern paintings. He did not understand them at all, and thought that they were terrible-and also very expensive.
At last he saw a small picture which did not have a price on it. It was square and white, and had a black spot in the middle, and a narrow brass frame. Mr Robinson liked it better than any of the others in the shop. "How much is this one?" he said to the shopkeeper.
"That, sir," answered the shopkeeper, "is the electric light switch."
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Mr Edwards and Mr Wilson were friends. They were sitting in a train when another man came in. There was going to be an election soon, and Mr Edwards and Mr Wilson began talking about politics. Mr Edwards supported the Labour Party strongly.
Suddenly the third man began to argue with Mr Edwards. He supported the Conservatives.
They argued for a long time, and then Mr Edwards said, "Well, I can't make you change your mind, and you can't make me change mine, so let's have an agreement: I won't vote for the Labour Party, and you won't vote for the Conservative party. Then we'll be able to stay at home comfortably, and nobody will lose anything." The other man agreed
They all got out at the same station, and Mr Edwards drove Mr Wilson home in his car.
"That's the fifteenth person I've made that agreement with," he said to him.
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Some people were queuing outside the Scala Theatre for tickets for a very popular show. They had to wait for several hours, and during that time they were entertained by a young man who was playing very nicely on a trumpet. The queue enjoyed his music and put quite a lot of money in the box that he had on the ground in front of him.
At last one of the people in the queue said to him, "You play too well to be a beggar."
"I'm not a beggar," the young man said. "I'm studying to be a trumpet player in a big band, and I have to practise several hours every day, so I thought it would be nice to do it in the fresh air instead of in my small room on days when the weather was nice-and also to get a bit of money at the same time."
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Mr Richards worked in a shop which sold, cleaned and repaired hearing-aids. One day an old gentleman entered and put one down in front of him without saying a word.
"What's the matter with it?" Mr Richards said. The man did not answer. Of course Mr Richards thought that the man must be deaf and that his hearing-aid must be faulty, so he said again, more loudly, "What's wrong with your hearing-aid, sir?" Again the man said nothing, so Mr Richards shouted his question again as loudly as he could.
The man then took a pen and a piece of paper and wrote: "It isn't necessary to shout when you're speaking to me. My ears are as good as yours. This hearing-aid is my wife's, not mine. I've just had a throat operation, and my problem is not that I can't hear, but that I can't speak."
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Mrs Grey was old and deaf, and she was in court, accusing a neighbour of allowing his dogs to come into her garden, damage her vegetables and run after her cat and her chickens.
After hearing both sides, the judge thought that it would be best and cheapest for everybody if Mrs Grey and her neighbor could come to some sort of arrangement to settle the matter between themselves, so he asked the lawyer who was representing Mrs Grey to find out how much money she wanted from her neighbour in order to stop the action against him.
Her lawyer explained to her what was happening, but Mrs Grey could not hear what he said, so he repeated loudly, "The judge wants to know what you will take."
"Oh, thank you very much." Mrs Grey answered politely. "Please tell him that I'll have a glass of beer."
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A man who was bored with living in London and desired to move to the country was looking for a house from which he could get to his office in the city easily every day, One day he saw an advertisement for a suitable house in Hampshire which was claimed to be within a stone's throw of a railway station from which there were frequent trains to London.
He telephoned the house agency and arranged to go down by train the next day and have a look at the house.
The house agent met him at the station and they drove to the house, which was at least a kilometre from the station.
The man who had come to see the house turned to the house agent when they reached it and objected, "I should be very interested to meet the man who threw that stone you mentioned in your advertisement!"
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A famous writer who was visiting Japan was invited to give a lecture at a university to a large group of students. As most of them could not understand spoken English, he had to have an interpreter.
During his lecture he told an amusing story which went on for rather a long time. At last he stopped to allow the interpreter to translate it into Japanese, and was very surprised when the man did this in a few seconds, after which all the students laughed loudly.
After the lecture, the writer thanked the interpreter for his good work and then said to him, "Now please tell me how you translated that long story of mine into such a short Japanese one."
"I didn't tell the story at all," the interpreter answered with a smile.
"I just said. 'The honourable lecturer has just told a funny story. You will all laugh, please.'"
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